Illustration: Grant Ray
New to bikes and want to make sure the big kids don’t pick on you for showing up on the first day in the wrong outfit? Don’t worry, Hell For Leather is here to help. Here’s our comprehensive guide to dressing up like a real biker, whether you think that means looking like a Pirate or a Power Ranger.
Bike: Harley-Davidson Fat Bob Cross Bones Ultra Glide Super Classic Chrome Edition with Vibration Pack; FLHTBUTSEX.
Helmet: If you live in a helmet law state, novelty helmet purchased
from eBay with “For Novelty Purposes Only” sticker removed. If you
don’t live in a helmet law state, $1.99-for-four Scleaming Eagle-brand
bandana purchased from China via eBay.
Eyewear: Xtreme-brand sunglasses purchased from Chevron after your H-D ones flew off at 52mph.
Facial Expression: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhh. Mouth closed to prevent bug infiltration.
Facial hair: As much as your employee policy at HR Block will allow.
Necklace: imitation bear claw.
Upper Body Wear: An unbuttoned leather vest adorned with club patches
and other flair purchased brand new from China via Harley dealer. Make
sure you buy a size too small so it won’t quite clasp across your beer
gut. We did mention the need for a beer gut didn’t we?
Belt: XXL women’s “Studded Punk” belt from Hot Topic retrofitted with
an extraordinarily large Eagle-motif belt buckle purchased from China
via Harley dealer. We recommend Butt Butter to prevent undue belly
chafing. Avoid direct sunlight.
Jeans: WalMart’s special “GrandMa” cut. Make sure you get the acid wash
and it’s probably best to go ahead and buy them two sizes too big.
Chaps: Ideally you want these to say “dad likes leather.” If the shop
assistant doesn’t know what that means, tell him “leather daddy.” Bonus
points for fringes or lacing, but under no circumstances accept any
that could possibly protect a vulnerable area in a crash.
Footwear: Generic American-style work boots purchased from China via WalMart.
Tattoos: Prison-style is best, but avoid hepatitis by getting them done
at Sally Joe’s tattoo emporium down by the Starbucks. Choose stencils
from the book labelled “Flames, Eagles and Flags.”
Bitch: Ideally the two of you will purchase gear at the exact same time
to guarantee you can put all of it on your finance plan at the Harley
Bike: You still have your first bike, a Honda CBR1000RR, but want to switch
to an R1 because it has .001% more power and Valentino Rossi rides a
Yamaha now. Any GSX-RZX100000XXR will do. Scuffed plastic from when
you dropped it leaving the dealer and the cheapest exhaust eBay said
Helmet: A Rossi-replica you picked up cheap at Laguna last year. Sure
it’s the paint scheme from three years ago, but that’s a real signature
on it, right?
Eyewear: Purple iridium visor to match your windscreen.
Facial Expression: Ohhhhhhhh, shhhhiiiiitttttttttttttt. Mouth open because the helmet’s cheekpads squeeze too tight.
Facial hair: You can grow facial hair?! If so, look to George Michael for inspiration.
Necklace: Puka shells.
Body wear: Rossi-rep leathers that are skin tight everywhere, except in
the ass, where they sag so low it looks like you shat yourself. Tip:
geometric padding over the belly is slimming.
Kneesliders: Ground in on your neighbor’s belt sander. Make sure you
sand from the correct angle so it doesn’t look like you ride backwards.
Footwear: Rossi-rep boots purchased from eBay at the same time as your
leathers, two sizes too large since you didn’t know your Italian shoe
Tattoos: Your business fraternity’s greek letters or the Chinese symbol for “fashion victim” on your left ankle.
Bitch: Like your girlfriend is going to trust you with the Pekinese.