Scene: a generic cubicle farm in a generic office park in Cupertino.
Fluorescent lights hum loudly, but “Hey now, you’re a rockstar” can
still be heard faintly in the background being piped through the office
intercom. Two men in their mid-thirties wearing identical Men’s
Warehouse suits enter, one is suspiciously tan for the time of year.
Marketing flack #1: Whatsup broseph? Didn’t see you leave TGI Friday’s last night.
Marketing flack #2: Awww, dude, those appletinis were screwing with my system.
#1: I hear you there brother, those things are harrrrd (nods head and screws face up for emphasis).
#2: Besides, Donna was all over Brad from accounting.
#1: Dude, you need to get over that chick, she doesn’t deserve you.
#2: *Sniff* Thanks man (sits up, straightens wide, pastel tie), so what’s this meeting about?
#1: I don’t know dude, I guess sales are down, no one reads
Motorcyclist any more and we need to find some way to reach a new
#2: So lifestyle marketing?
#1: Yep and you know what that means?!
Both: Chicks (high five)!
#1: So what’re we going to do?
#2: Shit man, I dunno. Says here we need to reach men, aged 25 to 35 that earn at least $75,000.
#1: I guess we could try the Internet, I hear you can target your advertising to specific demographics.
#2: Nahh, dude, how’s that going to get us chicks?
#1: You’re right, only nerds us the Internet anyways (hides iPhone in pocket). I know what we can do, we can pay celebrities to endorse our product.
#2: Dude, I told you yesterday, we can’t afford Mario Lopez.
#1: Shit, well we’ve got all these unsold bikes lying around, what if we give a bunch of desperate losers a free Ducati in return for endorsement?
#2: We’re Ducati, we don’t want desperate losers!
#1: Dude, that doesn’t matter, the execs don’t know any better.
#2: You’re right and besides, washed up rock stars have all the good coke. Who do you think we can get?
#1: Oh, I don’t know, but I saw Steve Jones, the guitarist from The Sex Pistols; Jason Bonham, who once played drums for Led Zeppelin during a revival concert; Steve Stevens who played guitar for Billy Idol; Billy Morrison who I guess was in some band called Camp Freddy; Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray; Chris Wyse, the bassist from The Cult; Donovan Leitch, the Donovan Leitch’s son; and some random guy named Franky Perez in the food stamp line at the post office yesterday, I bet they’d do it.
#2: Sweet, the last thing I want to do is call any publicists. But do you think we can convince them to, you know, really plug the product?
#1: Food stamps man, food stamps.
#1: Shit man, it’s almost noon, want to see if Bennigan’s is open yet?
Fade to black.