I have a dream. In that dream, the American public isn’t so lame that formerly credible motorcycle makers like Ducati and Yamaha have to pander to it with ridiculous performance cruisers that look like they’ve ridden straight off the pages of a Marvel comic book. In that dream no self respecting adult would be seen dead on what’s clearly a children’s toy; a bike that will look out of place unless you wear your underwear over your pants and tie your blanky around your shoulders as a pretend cape. Sadly, that’s just a dream, because the 2011 Ducati Vyper has been spied undergoing final development testing in Italy and will likely be launched at EICMA this fall.
News of the Vyper first emerged a year ago, with a clay styling model
appearing in MCN. That model appeared to adopt styling cues straight
from the Monster, enlarging and ridicu-fying them in order make it look
like something He-Man would ride.
These spy shots appear to show another styling direction, one that’s
ditched any pretense of translating Ducati’s heritage into the literal
penis substitute market. A huge tail unit holds two huge vertical LED
taillights and hovers over a huge rear tire mounted on a huge
single-sided swingarm and two huge shotgun-style exhausts. The rider
straddles a huge fuel tank and what appears to be a huge steel-trellis
frame. Doesn’t the whole thing just make you feel huge? Handlebars
appear to be swoopy cast items and forks are upside down, just like you
will be on the loan you take out to buy one of these.
What’s not clear is just how huge the engine will be. Will it be huge
like the 1200cc v-twin Ducati sticks in its superbikes or huge like an
all-new engine specifically developed to be as awe-inspiringly huge as
possible? My daddy’s bike is bigger than your daddy’s bike.
Expect Ducati to try and one-up the Yamaha VMAX’s 197bhp and 9-second
1/4 mile. Haven’t you heard? Low 1/4 mile times are the new Cialis. Call
your doctor if your erection lasts longer than the double-digit tank
Honestly baby boomers, can’t you just fuck off and die already? Or at
least stop buying bikes so that we can finally get the affordable,
practical, mid-capacity bikes we want instead of the over-compensation