We’ve often criticized the US motorcycle industry culture which sees publications exist in subservience to the bike manufacturers. But, it occurred to me that we’d never actually explained why universal positivity could be a bad thing. I mean, if you’re trying to sell bikes, then guaranteed good reviews are what you want, right? If you’re just reading about bikes, you only want to read good news, right? Everyone loves a good blowie, don’t they?
This editorial is inspired by two comments that were left earlier this week. When I posted a link to our article on Ducati’s BS sales percentages on Facebook, Michael Debkowski, who I’m assuming isn’t a subscriber, responded:
“You’re a tool Wes…In a depressed economy, in an industry that mainly sells to people with extra money, I would have to think it’s difficult at best to come up with positive news about much of anything these days! What I don’t appreciate is some whiny brat raining on everyone’s parade. There’s so much negative news around the world and everybody’s economy in the tank…give it a rest!!! You were probably the kid in grade school that told everyone Santa wasn’t real to.”
Later that same day, us dropping 54 high-res images of the Triumph Daytona 675R prompted Brook to ask, “Is this an example of a ‘publication over eager to fellate [a] manufacturer so they can keep getting free meals and free bikes’? Just curious.”
The two comments together illustrate the need for this article.
Before we get started though, it probably makes sense to define a blowjob. In this context, we’re very much talking about a close and personal relationship between publications and manufacturers. A blowjob occurs when one decides to sacrifice their dignity, oral hygiene and what should be a monogamous relationship with their readers to get down on their knees and just do their dirty to best to make sure the other has a good time. We’re talking about unquestioning repetition of press releases, marketing speak regurgitated as editorial content and reviews which read more like a Penthouse Letter than they do a piece of honest journalism.
Blowjobs are a turnoff.
Now this might initially sound counterintuitive, but bear with me here. We’d certainly never argue that blowjobs should be a turnoff to the person receiving them and we’ve even heard that blowjobs can actually be a turn on to the people performing them. The problem is, most people don’t actually enjoy watching them happen.
When a publication fellates a manufacturer, readers can see it happen. When they do, they’re less likely to listen to the rest of that publication’s message, they’re less likely to respond positively to other stories in that publication, they’re less likely to read that publication at all, they’re less likely to trust motorcycle media in general and, as a result, they’re less likely to consume bike content at all.
Blowjobs have become so pervasive that younger riders and new initiates to riding are extremely skeptical of all motorcycle media and instead turn to their peers for advice and news. If motorcycle magazines are one of the key ways in which we, as an industry, communicate our enthusiasm, promote our products and educate new riders about our sport, then isn’t the reduced influence of motorcycle media a bad thing? That reduced influence is the direct result of blowjobs.
The boy who cried wolf.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf is a parable about a shepherd boy who tricks his friends into thinking a wolf is attacking his flock. He does this so often that, when a wolf really does attack his flock, no one believes him and the wolf is left free to eat all the sheep.
This can easily be adapted to blowjobs. If you run around town telling everyone that’ll listen that every bike is unreservedly awesome, then when you really mean that a bike is unreservedly awesome, you’ll suddenly find that no one listens to you anymore.
If the shepherd boy hadn’t tried tricking the townsfolk into thinking a wolf was attacking when it wasn’t, then they’d have listened when he really did need help. The problem is that we, as an industry, have acted like that shepherd boy and now the public has huge trust issues with all of us. Cross my heart and hope to die, I’ve never given a blowjob in my life, yet Brook thought she saw one when I said nice things about the 675R. If she thinks that about us, notorious outsiders that she pays to read, then what does she think about Sport Cyclist World News?! We, as an industry, need the townsfolk’s help, but they don’t believe us anymore!
Blowjobs are degrading.
As journalists working in the media world of 2011, we’re likely earning less money than our degrees from good colleges, vast intelligences and wonderful heads of hair merit. But, that’s not why we do what we do. We write about bikes because we love riding bikes. There’s also more to life than making shit tons of money. Stuff like self respect. How are you supposed to respect yourself if you have to resort to performing blowjobs to make ends meet? How are readers supposed to respect publications that make blowjobs their speciality?
Blowjobs also degrade the people that receive them. If you need to solicit blowjobs then what does that say about your ability to perform under less flattering circumstances? If you’ll only work with publications that’ll blow you, then what does that say about the objective merits of the product you’re selling?
If you’re spending tens of millions of dollars developing a product, should it really take a blowjob to communicate its benefits?
Remember when motorcycles were badass? We’re too young. (image via First Generation Motors)
Blowjobs limit return on investment.
Motorcycle manufacturers essentially fund moto media, not only buying ads, but also holding press launches at which journalists receive preferential access to motorcycles, maintaining press fleets to provide journalists with review samples and buying dinners at which the blowjob foreplay takes place. All that money represents an investment in an ability to communicate with and influence the general public.
If, for all the reasons described above and below, blowjobs have reduced the ability of a publication or review to influence that public, then is the money being well spent? If you fly 12 journalists halfway around the world to ride your new bike and say how awesome it is, then isn’t the return on that investment reduced if they’ve also said every other bike they’ve ever reviewed is equally awesome? If you prep and loan and possibly write-off a bike for a magazine to do a shootout with, and every bike in the shootout is declared to be the winner, then didn’t you waste your money?
Blowjobs create no incentive for building better bikes.
If the purpose of making a new motorcycle is to better compete with your rivals or better serve the demands of the public, then moto media is an invaluable tool for you to use in your pursuit of that purpose. Through it, you can identify what customers want, explore new market niches and evaluate the successes and failures of your rivals. But what’s there to learn if what you’re reading is dishonest? What motivation do you have to build a better bike if you’re going to be fellated regardless?
As a member of the public, one of the roles of the media is to communicate your interests and needs back to the companies that serve you. But blowjobs don’t do that. Blowjobs are actually a fairly inefficient means of communication.
Blowjobs create an unrealistic fantasy.
I told a friend I was writing this article and he sent me this in response, “I remember buying a 2004 ZX-6R and selling it a week later. I couldn’t believe how uncomfortable that piece of shit was and how no one had ever printed that it was an uncomfortable piece of shit.”
That does not sound like a satisfied customer to us. Reading about a world in which everything is rosy can create expectations that don’t translate to the cold, harsh light of the real world.
One of the roles of media should be directing readers towards the bikes that they’ll be happiest on. Happy customers are repeat customers. Think my friend bought another Kawasaki? He didn’t. Instead of the ZX-6R, he might have been happier on a Z1000 or a Ninja 650, but he wasn’t exposed to that message, all he was exposed to was a giant slurp.
The silver ring thing.
In response to Michael Debkowski’s Facebook comment, I wrote, “it’s not our job to paint a picture of puppy dogs and candy canes, it’s our job to report reality. Whether news is positive or negative is determined by what it is, not by our desire make everyone feel all warm and fuzzy.” And that’s our anti-blowjob commitment to you, our readers. In the interest of fostering a healthier relationship between the motorcycle media and the public, in the interest of creating a stronger motorcycle industry, in the interest of bringing a new generation into the motorcycle fold and selling more bikes, we resolve not to perform acts of fellatio. We encourage all other motorcycle media outlets to join us. Blowjob abstinence is the future.
If you read something positive on HFL, it’s because we believe in what we’re saying. If you read something negative, the same thing applies. Hopefully the positive is more positive because there is a negative.
In conclusion, I’d like to quote Jalopnik’s Matt Hardigree: “Hand jobs for everyone result in happy endings for no one.”