Stop cruiserface now

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Regular road riders are no doubt familiar with the expression gracing the faces of many Harley, Victory (pictured here) and Japanese cruiser clone riders. The look of self-satisfied toughness couldn’t be more obvious; novelty helmets cover neither the eyes nor the lips of those effected by cruiserface. While the intention is intimidation, the reality is ridiculousness. Put an end to cruiserface now.

Photo: Pepe Le Pew

The American Society of Facial Reconstruction Surgeons — intimately familiar with the epidemic after reconstructing the faces of many drunken cruiser crashers — defines the disease thusly: a subconscious furrowing of the brow accompanied by a pursing of the lips and involuntary squinting caused by the lack of protective eyewear. Cruiserface is often accompanied by an involuntary front-to-rear nodding of the head, as if keeping time with a tired classic rock tune.

While cruiserface has many potential causes, listed below, experts agree that the most common is the mistaken belief that other people are somehow intimidated by your excessively loud motorcycle.

In order to familiarize myself with the affliction, I spent a couple hours riding the kind of bike cruiserface is often associated with. The 2013 Victory Judge is sold under the tag line “American Muscle Reborn” and is identical to every other motorcycle in the Victory range with the exception of a relatively narrow rear tire and white sidewall lettering intended to conjure memories of ‘60s-era muscle cars.

Initially overwhelmed by the enormous weight — 660lbs — and near complete lack of leverage caused by the enormous reach to the bars and forward-mount foot controls, I found it impossible to create the kind of over-confident conditions most often associated with the onset of cruiserface. Attempting to navigate urban traffic only made things worse, the lightswitch brakes easily locking and the utter lack of ground clearance threatening to pitch the bike down the road in every 90-degree corner. With 113lb/ft of torque, the 1,737cc, air-cooled v-twin is capable of relatively impressive straight line performance, but only once the gargantuan mass of two huge pistons can be cajoled into altering inertia. We say relatively because the Victory’s 12-second 1/4 mile is notably off the pace of even a 600cc sportsbike, but assume potential cruiserface afflictees are unaware of things like facts.

Navigating corners on Mulholland Drive, I began to fear that my experiment could result in failure, as conditions capable of reproducing cruiserface continued to remain elusive. Perhaps it was my insistence on a full-face helmet that caused it, but my look was more abject terror at the arrival of each new corner than it was confident cockiness. My visor remained closed as we were approached by a group of young women intent on remarking on our accents; their looks of derision at the chrome and candy apple red phallus I was sat astride resulted in flushed cheeks, not a physical manifestation of, “Ohhhhh yeahhhhh.”

Performing repeated u-turns and ridebys in assistance of a photoshoot did little to improve matters. Unable to fully reverse direction in the space of two lanes, the good ship Judge also proved precarious paddling around slight changes in elevation and over unsure footing. Luckily, uphill driveways were on hand to help us navigate multi-point turns, the elevation removing most of the need to push the bike backwards.

Throughout the afternoon, cruiserface remained elusive, instead replaced with frustrationface, scaredofothertrafficface, embarassedface and myhandsarenumbbecauseofvibration face. Uturnface was particularly apparent, constructed of a mix of abject terror, intense concentration and extreme embarrassment as I held up traffic for minutes at a time.

Convinced that I’d failed in the endeavor, I returned home and parked the bike. It wasn’t until I was reveling in the safety of no longer having to ride the Judge that cruiserface made a surprise appearance. Asked to sit on the bike for stationary photos, suddenly the impossible weight and extreme stretch between seat and controls manifested a sort of cocky aloofness. A middle finger to squares, liberals and the clients of the accounting firm I was suddenly convinced I ran. It was, finally, cruiserface.

The experience on the Judge allowed me to assemble a rudimentary list of potential causation factors behind cruiserface:

- Intoxication.
- A failure to understand that engine size is, in fact, inversely proportional to penis size.
- Simply an unfortunate byproduct of ill-advised facial hair decisions.
- An involuntary reaction to chap chaffing.
- An involuntary reaction to glare caused by the sun reflecting off an overzealous application of shiny parts.
- An attempt to mask the mantears caused by a lack of eye or face protection.
- An attempt to cover up involuntary urination caused by vibration-induced numbness.
- A complete disconnect from reality.

As you can see, all of those causations are preventable. So what can you do to stop cruiserface? Consultations with a long list of medical experts have resulted in in a shockingly simple answer: ridicule. Four out of five doctors agree, you can help prevent cruiserface simply by ridiculing any and all riders of cruiser motorcycles. Do it as often as possible and we may see an end to this epidemic in our lifetimes.

  • BigRooster

    Ok. Who else made the face and did the head bob whilst reading the description?

    • http://twitter.com/metabomber Jesse

      Yep. Sort of ashamed, yet very amused.

    • Miles Prower [690 Duke, MTS 1200]

      +1

    • dux [87 CBR600, 95 XR600R]

      Yep, but I really get it now! Maybe I can try it on my dirt bike, it would seem more appropriate.

    • Dave SchneiderDaveS

      Totes

    • JP

      Guilty

    • Gregory

      Yes.

      :-(

  • Kirill

    You get a 7.5/10 on the ridiculousness scale. A good attempt, but needs more practice for perfection. And cowboy boots.

    • http://hellforleathermagazine.com Wes Siler

      Well, acid wash mom jeans, oversize chaps, cowboy boots and a WW1 German army helmet.

      • doublet

        I prefer the WWII German army helmet, personally. Chromed out, with a ‘beater, shorts and mid-calf socks… wait, that’s a different demographic.

        I didn’t realize there would be a whole article. The first blurb seemed well defined enough..

        Is this kinda like saying no to Duckface? Looks like there’s a little Duckface going on in that photo..

        • Kirill

          That’s because there’s a clear genetic link between duckface and cruiserface

          • http://www.brammofan.com Brammofan

            I think you’re on to something here. I’m betting that the daughters (and grand-daughters)of the cruiserfaces are the ones posting duckfaces on Facebook, as we speak.

            • http://www.bikeexif.com Chris Hunter

              Damn, I just realised you’re probably 100% right. It’s a scary thought.

      • Kirill

        And then an easily-avoidable crash into a retaining wall because you locked up the rear wheel going into a smooth left-hand sweeper!

        Wait, that’ll take cruiserface right off…or is that the pavement…

        • Tony T.

          So that’s what the open-faced helmet is for! I always wondered.

          • The other Joe

            Yeah, it’s too hard to be a poser in a full face helmet.

      • The other Joe

        Before you can achieve true cruiserface while riding, you have to be ignorant enough to not be scared of riding that P.O.S. and before that ,you have to be dumb enough to buy one!

      • FiveG

        Need the stupid chain that runs from a belt loop to the keys to the managing partners’ office in your accounting firm.

  • markbvt

    This article is all kinds of awesome. Thanks for the laugh.

  • tomwito

    Holy shit I was just making fun of a friend on facebook for making that face in a photo on a custom bagger he built.

  • http://www.muthalovin.com the_doctor

    Cruiserface ends where roadrash begins.

  • Dave H

    Hilarious. This is why I keep subscribing to HFL.

    • BigRooster

      Exactly – what other publication dare do this honest a review? Sure, no loss if Victory fails to supply another press bike but Wes took the snark train to Triumph-ville yesterday. That’s gangsta.

      • Dave H

        Yes it is. You can’t get this kind of writing anywhere else, at least, not anywhere that works as a serious publication.

    • Gregory

      I’d pay more than USD $1/ month for this…

  • Jon B.

    At first glance I thought it was a stock photo. Well played.

  • jason

    Please, everyone, stand tough, defeat the fat cruiser menace.

  • ike6116

    Have you seen the Victory ad with R. Lee Emery? It’s almost as if they’ve fully embraced being a caricature and are simply just trying to make us laugh.

    • BigRooster

      They make HD look mature by comparision.

    • http://hellforleathermagazine.com Grant Ray

      Agreed, Ike. I think the Gunny campaign is a well-played injection of humor for Victory’s target demo, and actually does a great job setting the company apart from Harley.

      • BigRooster

        Is that second part sarcastic? I’d argue Victory has become one with the Borg.

        …but I guess the angle makes sense. “If you want a cruiser…ours are better.”

        • http://hellforleathermagazine.com Grant Ray

          No sarcasm. Victory is working a very specific buyer, and Gunny is a good face for the company.

          • FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

            Shitheads like my old Senior Chief ride cruisers. Fuck those people.

            I did know a gunner who rode a Triumph Rocket, but he was out of his mind. Dumped it in a month.

            • smoke4ndmears

              Funny, my senior owned a zx-10 and a 996!

  • Chris

    That was hilarious

  • FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

    tearin ass round that backyard

  • http://twitter.com/metabomber Jesse

    Looking like a young Bruce Campbell.

    “Hand went bad. Had to cut it off.”

  • BigRooster

    I need some JT Nesbitt and Victory Marketing guy banter to complete my afternoon of not-working hard at work

    • Roman

      Haha, read my mind.

    • Kirill

      Looks like your wish may at least be partially granted

  • http://www.anotherdamndj.com evilbahumut

    I haven’t ridden the Judge yet, but I like the Vics that I have had seat time on. I, however, would not try to push them through corners meant for hotheads in Lotus’ and 2-piece leather clad GSXR owners. Fuck that. Give me some highway and let her eat.

    I want to say: “you’re doing it wrong.”

    Still, I laughed my ass off though. Cruiserface; now I have a name for that shit.

    • TuffGong

      Virtually any motorcycle or scooter not sitting on the ground can go around a corner smoothly and quickly ,no Lotus or GSXR needed. And all the best Highways have curves in them,so there is no eating on a cruiser,only light snacking and a whole lot of posing …..and those leather pants have a big hole in the ass….

  • JVictor75

    LOL,

    “Navigating corners on Mulholland Drive, I began to fear that my experiment could result in failure, as conditions capable of reproducing cruiserface continued to remain elusive. Perhaps it was my insistence on a full-face helmet that caused it, but my look was more abject terror at the arrival of each new corner than it was confident cockiness.”

    I didn’t really understand just what the hell people were talking about when they were talking about handling prowess on a motorcycle. Then I bought my (admittedly technologically dated) RC-51 and the first time I was semi-confidently able to flick it through traffic was like “oooohhhhhhhhhh THATS what people were talking!”

    Since buying the RC last September I’ve put about 4K miles on it. Time and, alas, money, has kept me from doing more. In the same time period I’ve only ridden the cruiser (2002 Kawasaki Mean Streak) about 400 miles.

    I just can’t stand to ride it anymore. God help me if I were able to afford a MY 2012 sportbike or british standard like the Bonneville.

    The Meanie is somewhat technically advanced (moreso than the Harley clones) with inverted forks, liquid cooling, FI, and good brakes but it is still heavy, slow, ponderous, loud, inefficient, and not really as comfortable as I thought (now that I can compare).

    I’m posting an ad on CL for it if the two people who have expressed interest don’t bite. I just decided.

  • philn

    My cruiserface is girly – since this one was made on a girly bike.

    http://i43.tinypic.com/5o5hrm.jpg

    Not sure if the grizzly bear pajamas toughened the pic up enough.

    • http://hellforleathermagazine.com Wes Siler

      More tchotkes next time.

    • dux [87 CBR600, 95 XR600R]

      Needs more “blue steel”

    • robotribe

      If they were grizzly bear pajama CHAPS, then you’d have my respect.

  • JT Nesbitt

    Why? Why would a rational person choose to buy a fake Harley? Again I must reiterate, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CRUISER-STYLE MOTORCYCLE! It’s a myth, like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and the compassionate conservative….There is only Harley, and painfully counterfeit Harley. At least owning a Harley means something, I mean really, it’s akin to buying a kit car and having to explain to every delbert dumbass who says “nice Lamborgini” that you are actually driving a Fiero with a body kit, and rationalizing it with “but the maintenance is more affordable”.
    The only thing worse than a guy who rides a Harley, is a guy that thinks he does.
    What an incredible poverty of the imagination we have in this country. — JT

    • slowtire

      Bigfoot’s not real?

      • http://www.advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=305107 stickfigure

        Shhhhhh. Fear of Bigfoot is the only thing keeping Nessie from swimming over and eating yanks.

    • Kevin

      I’m praying for the Victory PR guy to reply here. I miss that shooting match. Time for a new one.

      • Robert

        I fell asleep on the keyboard. Sorry.

    • JVictor75

      Because rational people have a bottom line Mr Nesbitt. Harleys are expensive, and other than resale value aren’t really worth the money.

      • http://www.anotherdamndj.com evilbahumut

        That ^. Who the hell cares if it’s an H-D, or a Victory as long as it rides the way you expect it to, has the comfort you expect of it, and leaks oil all over your garage the way you like it?

      • JT Nesbitt

        Wow, you are really missing the point here. OK, let me make an analogy. When I wear a wristwatch, it is a vintage Rolex that belonged to my Grandfather. In truth, it is not a very good watch. It does not keep accurate time, however, it IS a real Rolex, and not an imitation. What would be worse, not knowing what time it is, or explaining to someone who asked about it, that my Fake Rolex is far superior, cheaper, and keeps excellent time? This is a conversation about brand. — JT

        • JT Nesbitt

          So just for kicks, I went on ebay motors to have a look at some REAL Harleys. Found four or five real nice looking 70′s Shovelheads for under six grand. So the argument for “cheaper” ain’t holding water. What would you rather be seen on – a Victory Judge, or a honest to God 1976 Harley FX? Oh, right make that TWO 1976 FXes. — JT

          • ike6116

            This assumes you’re riding to be seen.

            • JT Nesbitt

              Uh, yeah, that’s what we are talking about here, so called “cruiser” motorcycles. What other reason would anyone buy one? — JT

              • ike6116

                I don’t have an answer for this.

                • 80-watt Hamster

                  I do: inertia. A kind of social boulder that’ll keep rolling down the hill until it meets too much resistance. I’m writing from middle America, so those of you on the coasts will have different perceptions. Since motorcycles are generally a toy in this country, image carries more weight than ability. When a random guy (let’s limit the discussion to males here) decides as an adult that he wants a bike, he’s going to make the decision based on what he sees. What he sees are generally cruisers. The rest are sportbikes darting through traffic like a jackass. Not all of them do that of course, but those are the ones he remembers. To most people, there are no other kinds of bikes since the demise of the UJM. Besides, he knows tons of guys with Harleys (or clones). They’re friends and coworkers. A cruiser’s good enough for them, one’ll be good enough for him. Plus Harley’s good ol’ ‘Merican iron. Patriotism and all that. The majority end up as weekend riders; few become serious enough to explore the other sides of the motorcycle world, or become too invested in cruiser-dom to step outside its boundaries. The rise of ADV bikes may start chipping away at the walls of the culture, but I don’t know if the legs of that particular trend are long enough to make much difference.

              • The other Joe

                I would be embarrassed to be seen on one of those.

              • JVictor75

                I don’t know whay I was getting all huffy with you earlier. It might be that for some reason I felt overly defensive, I dunno. Probably just me being my normal charming self.

                What I do know is that it took me finally un-assing my own cruiser and buying something … a little more instructive for me to finally GET IT. And I’m still learning, everyday.

                None of the people that I know who own Victory motorcycles (4) want a Harley, simply because (and I’ve asked why not, in light of this article) they don’t feel the need to pay a premium for the only discernible difference between the two being the name on the gas tank. They aren’t in a “gang” (although some laughingly call themselves the “Sons of Conformity”) and even the Legion Riders I know feel the same way. The old guys are old guys and they like to bust balls about anything and everything, but the younger ones don’t give a shit what you ride as long as you do so.

                The response I got to the idea of riding a “real” Harley like the 76 FX was “What? You mean one of the ones that AMF helped build? No thanks, I prefer having a warranty and no stains on the driveway.”

                I’m not saying that I agree with that sentiment, I’m just telling you what I was told by my (admittedly dwindling) circle of cruiser riding friends. My boss (a LTC) owns an ’06 HD Electraglide and A) wants a Victory Vision, and B) asked me the other day if I’ve ever even ridden a cruiser.

                I told him that I had roughly 14 years on motorcycles at this point (15 in September) and that the RC51 is my first ever sportbike, that most of the time I’ve been riding it’s been on cruiser-type motorcycles. It was then that I realized just how many miles I’ve poured on the RC since I got it. Roughly 4500 since September. I still own the cruiser, I just don’t ride it anymore which is why it’s for sale now. He hasn’t seen me on it in so long that he forgot that I owned it.

                This prompted a discussion amongst the lunch crew (A Lieutenant Colonel, a Major, 2 Chief Warrant 3′s, a passerby Colonel, and me, the Sergeant) as to why. So I did my best to explain to them about how nimble, powerful, light, and responsive it is.

                How traffic is no longer a chore to endure, how I take the long way home as much as possible now. How I thought that it would be sheer torture riding more than 45-50 miles at a time on a sportbike but that it isn’t.

                That trying to ride at highway speeds on the cruiser makes me feel like my shoulders are going to pop out of joint, and that I feel like I need a massage and a nap after riding it for more than an hour.

                No, I can’t carry as much on the RC51 as I could on the other bike but if I need to carry more than a Kriega tailbag or backpack will hold I should probably be in a car anyway.

                As to why people still want to own “cruiser motorcycles”, the only answers I can come up with are that:

                A) they mistakenly believe (as I did) that a sportbike will compel them to injure or kill themselves doing incredibly stupid things. I know better, although doing stupid shit is FAR FAR easier now, lol.

                B) That riding a cruiser is more appealing because they can be a “tough guy” while at the same time riding something that is (in their minds) more comfortable and less technical to ride to the local Starbucks (I LOL’ed when I heard them say THAT, I did) or “biker bar” on a Friday night.

                C) That all sportbike riders are foul mouthed, armored vest wearing, mohawk-adorned helmet wearing douchebags ripping through traffic on their blinged out GSXRs.

              • jp182

                Are you trolling us JT????

        • Van Doan

          I’d buy an Omega.

          • Archer

            +1 on the Omega. For people who know better than to buy a Rolex.

            • pplassm

              Seiko FTW.

              • Campisi

                That’s a kind of Casio, right?

              • http://www.facebook.com/beastincarnate Ben Incarnate

                Seiko offers tremendous value and great automatics, but doesn’t carry the weight of a status symbol. I love my Seikos.

                • Trevor

                  +1 on the Seiko. I wear an Orange Monster. Best watch I’ve ever own.

                • Joe

                  I also love my Seikos. I have two SNZJ5′s and they are fantastic watches.

                  My Orient Mako was another great bang for the buck purchase.

                  That being said, I still lust after a Speedmaster Professional

                  /watchtalk

                • http://www.racetrackstyle.com Racetrack Style

                  According to the analogy, the BMW 1000RR must be a fake, regardless of the market potential to do better & tap into new sales.

                • BMW11GS

                  I have an SNK Seiko 5 (the military-esque one) Love it. No one really “gets it”, but I do.

      • rohorn

        Yeah, heard the price thing all the time from a guy who rode a Shadow back when I was into Harleys. Finally shut him up by asking if he dated transvestites since they were probably cheaper and kinda looked the same to those who just don’t know the difference.

        Oh yes, the face thing – we used to joke around the H-D shop where I worked almost 20 years ago that we could tell who the new customers were because they were getting cramps in their faces.

        Now that I think about it, cruiserface is no different than roadieface. Both ride overpriced bikes from the “right” brands that all look the same, adorn themselves in truly stupid looking clothing (from the same shop they bought the bike), and both just know that they are the defining epitome of two wheeled existence.

        • slowtire

          +1

  • Devin

    I won’t lie, I love those tires. They really do invoke the look of the musclecar era. Even the wheels resemble the custom mags those those tires are normally fitted to.

    • BigRooster

      They evoke the same performance attributes of the era as well.

  • Holden and Annette

    Who’s that badass dude in the photo?

    • http://hellforleathermagazine.com Wes Siler

      Grant.

      • JVictor75

        I was gonna say Shaft, but whatevs.

      • http://hellforleathermagazine.com Grant Ray

        I think somebody’s a lowdown lying Pretty In Pink wannabe and it isn’t me.

        • The other Joe

          WOW!

    • http://pinkyracer.com pinkyracer

      yeah, nobody (Wes) wants to cop to it. Perhaps because the first word that comes to mind when I (or anyone?) see that is “fag”. And I adore fags, but only the ones who are Out.

      • http://www.davidfolch.com david folch

        Where do I “like” your post Susanna?

  • Peter88

    The ads I’ve seen for the Judge show a man and a woman wearing full coverage helmets. And the youngest Ness has made a cafe racer out of one (which I kinda like). I was hoping this thing handled and stopped well, a Vrod Street Rod copy. But it appears that is not the case. And yes, cruiserface must end. These guys can’t be that angry while riding.

    • TuffGong

      It does handle and stop very well…..as cruisers go. It sits too low,with too much rearward bias,with feet too far out front for control or comfort….in other words,it is a cruiser…..slow(except in a straight line),it is essentially built to be ridden in a manner which not only holds up other motorcycle traffic,but long lines of cars as well,till a straight comes along,when it is whacked open and then proceeds to crawl around the next corner…and the next and the next…

      • dux [87 CBR600, 95 XR600R]

        It’s ok, as long as those moving road blocks delay auto traffic getting to the good curves, I’m a staunch supporter :)

      • Peter88

        I know a lot of cool stuff has been done with Sportsters to make them go and handle but after seeing the dyno results of that warmed-over Victory motor I think it would be a nice motor for a bike that handles and stops well.

    • Phill

      I bitch at the engineers every year at the dealer meeting for their idiotic changes that make things even worse. The engineers at Victory just don’t seem to care about reducing the enormous weight of the bikes, making them handle better, or using/offering good components on the bikes.

  • aristurtle

    This isn’t at all complicated: The facial expression is indistinguishable from the one caused by severe constipation. Occam’s Razor: it’s the same facial expression, caused by a diet consisting solely of crappy deep-fried food served at biker bars.

    • http://rider49er.blogspot.com Mark D [EX500]

      I don’t know, you’d think the constant vibrations applied directly to the ass-region would shake loose any ball of old burgers and bud light.

      • http://twitter.com/metabomber Jesse

        There is a joke about shaking loose a burger-and-bud ball, and chaps in there. Someplace. I’ll get back to you on this.

  • Campisi

    “… And the utter lack of ground clearance threatening to pitch the bike down the road in every 90-degree corner.”

    Oh god yes. First time I ever rode a cruiser was when I was sent on a beer and supply run on a friend’s Shadow. I was hung over and didn’t have my glasses, but everyone else was drunk (welcome to camping at a World of Outlaws event). After slipping my boots off of the exhaust pipes that ran where I had assumed the foot pegs must be, I slouched into position and ran it down the road. While the road was straight or indulging in a couple gentle sweepers, I was beginning to enjoy myself in the same way one enjoys trundling along in an ancient pickup truck or some such thing.

    Hazy vision picked up on the tractor-shaped blob signaling the one and only real turn the short trip involved, I slowed and cranked it over as I normally would on the UJMs stored at home. After a fraction of a second – maybe five or ten degrees of lean – I wince at a sharp impact as the heel of my boot makes a long black streak on the tarmac. I baby the barge through the rest of the trip and get back, only to illicit a laugh from my compatriots. Apparently cruiser pegs are meant to be used like stirrups, the feet resting midway up the foot.

    Not my cup of tea.

    • http://www.racetrackstyle.com Racetrack Style

      “…the same way one enjoys trundling along in an ancient pickup truck or some such thing. ”

      good one. Actually, 3 on the tree might be more fun

    • JVictor75

      My hazy memory seems to be recalling something that I read about the development of motorcycle seating being an offshoot of a comparison of horse saddles.

      So your comparison of a cruiser peg being used like a stirrup is dead on.

      Western (Hunting) saddles are large, heavy, and padded with somewhat “forward” stirrups (does that sound like any other seating position you know of?). European (English) saddles are smaller, less padded, with stirrups more or less directly under the seat.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_saddle

  • Isaac

    I own a Harley XL1200C and I wear a full face Nolan N-Com with chin bar. Many riders of my type choose to be idiots and wear the half shell. I even saw one on the WA state ferry that had a big giant sticker on the back the said “For Novelty Use Only”. I guess that guy couldn’t read.

  • zato1414

    Cruiserface can be successfully achieved when wearing chaps with frilly things hanging off. Some bikes are safer when used only in the driveway.

  • donniedarko

    LOL cruiserface

  • http://www.cdavisdesigns.com Chris Davis

    I’m not convinced by the proposed cure. I make derisionface because it is my involuntary reaction to cruiserface. But when it wears off I’m left feeling like I’ve just given a belligerent child the attention he was so desperately seeking. I’m thinking ignoreface is the best, if not only chance for rehabilitation.

  • muckluck

    Somebody is making his BROWN face.

  • Good Thomas

    wes, why did your “repeated ridebys and u-turns” result in only one photo? would have enjoyed a photo essay on the many varieties of cruiserface!

  • Jens
    • The other Joe

      That’s Awesome!

      • Jens

        smoking pipe inclusive. ;-)

    • http://www.cdavisdesigns.com Chris Davis

      The face (and elbow) of confidence.

  • AHA

    I now realise I suffer from cruiserface – when I wash my bike. It keeps all but the most bored passers-by at a distance. Moody, tough, cool, head rocking? Yup, i got the whole idiot set.

  • Ax

    “Unable to fully reverse direction in the space of two lanes…”
    You can drag a knee (on a different bike) but can’t do a tight, feet-up u-turn? For real? ;)

  • valen

    So what IS the 1/4 mile time for the Victory? I’m wondering how my ninja 650 compares…

  • Korayama

    All in all its a Motorcycle. Pretty sure any of us, if we were without a bike..would ride this.

    • The other Joe

      Think again.

    • Scott-jay

      I’d ride it, even with other bikes. Enjoy chance to ride different motorcycles.
      These bloggers at HFL are way jaded.
      Seat-test of Victory’s dresser at a m/c show three-years ago changed my feeling about ‘em.

      • Kirill

        I rode a Hammer – or was it an 8-Ball? They all look the same – a couple of years ago at the Long Beach bike show. Setting aside that I looked completely out of place on the bike in full leathers and a full-face, it wasn’t a bad bike but as far as I could tell, the only reason to actually buy one is because you want a Harley but don’t actually want a Harley.

        Sure, I’d ride it if someone handed me the keys, but would I spent my own hard-earned money on it? Nah. If you have to go the “can’t turn cruiser” route, might as well go full retard and get a V-Rod.

        And for the love of god, don’t wear a half-face, even if its for no reason other than to avoid cruiserface.

        • BigRooster

          Everybody knows you never go full retard.
          You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam.” Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed…

          • nymoto

            Thank you

    • http://pinkyracer.com pinkyracer

      I’d ride my Schwinn to frisco before I’d ride one of these piles.

  • rohorn

    So a motorcycle “design” that’s inspired by a large and heavy car happens to be large and heavy…

    • http://www.racetrackstyle.com Racetrack Style

      true, but more ’69 Camaro and less ’81 Firebird would help

  • Archer

    On Thursday my company president told me he’s buying a Harley. He rode for years and even had a Harley hookup in his old hometown.

    On Friday, I directed him to this article and Friday night, he tweeted me that he’s buying a Ducati.

    This week, he will find a prepaid appointment for an MSF advanced rider course sitting on his desk.

    Thank you HFL, for saving me the embarrassment of a Harley riding company president!

    • http://www.cdavisdesigns.com Chris Davis

      Diavel?

      • Archer

        Monster.

        Actually sent me a text this afternoon- now he’s 99 percent+ he’s going for the BMW 800GS.

        Anything but a Harley :)

        • Kirill

          At the rate he’s changing his mind, he’ll end up on a V-Rod.

          • Archer

            He did mention a V-rod as he was defending his position In the initial
            discussion. Guess we will see how it shakes out.

            • BigRooster

              If the new 2012 VRSC or VRSCF had normal foot controls is would not be all that bad but those stupid forwards spoil it.

              • 80-watt Hamster

                They tried that with the VRSCR in… ’06 I think. It bombed.

                • BigRooster

                  True, but the VRSCR didnt fail because of the foot placement alone; that bike was about as ugly as a bike could get and way overpriced at $18K. The 2012 revised bikes are improvments in the looks and performance departments and cost much less. Too bad they retained the stupid forwards and the chopper rake.

                • Kirill

                  I went and looked up the VRSCR. It is quite ass ugly.

        • http://pinkyracer.com pinkyracer

          good job!!! you deserve a raise! I did the same with my brother, actually. I explained to him that while “chicks dig Harleys”, smart and interesting chicks dig Ducatis. He bought a vintage Duc, and it certainly helped him win the heart of the woman who became his wife and is also now a Ducatista.

          • Devin

            I worked through higschool and early in college at a car lot. You won’t believe how often people are like “I don’t want anything white and it needs power windows”, and then the next thing you know they are rolling out in a white car without power windows.

          • Archer

            So I get a text this morning… “let’s go pick it up!”.

            Two hours later we have a BMW AND a Piaggio on the trailer- the scooter for his wife.

            I love it when a plan comes together. Mission accomplished!

  • Richard Worsham
  • wwalkersd

    I’ve always assumed that cruiserface was brought on by the facial tension required to keep bugs from entering the rider’s mouth.

    • http://twitter.com/metabomber Jesse

      Part of a high protein diet.

  • magrahamkp08

    This article should be made available to the public free of charge so i can pass it along to all my harley buddies

    • Archer

      Yeah, I was glad my friend read it before the viewing window closed.

    • BigRooster

      Disagree. They should have to join to read and then just maybe, learning about other types of motorcycles, will show the light. Shame is fun but exposure to a better alternative is more effective.

  • pplassm

    Have you seen the Allstate ads lately? Bad Mammer-Jammers.

  • highflyer

    “A failure to understand that engine size is, in fact, inversely proportional to penis size.”

    I’m heading out for a ride on my CBR 250R. Enough said.

    • BigRooster

      Sorry, it’s a bell curve.

      • Kirill

        BAM.

      • Josh

        Well played sir!

    • http://pinkyracer.com pinkyracer

      this post is useless without pix, darlin’ ;-)

  • http://pinkyracer.com pinkyracer

    OMG I love you so much Wes. This should be filed under “Public Service Announcements”

    But really, the corners were only terrifying because you know how fast you SHOULD be able to ride through them, and how utterly impossible that would be on a cruiser. The ones who’ve never ridden a real bike have no idea that 15mph in a curve with a 25mph warning sign is simply ridiculous.

    • Devin

      HAHA yeah. I felt that way on a cruiser doing the cone slalom at my motorcycle safety course.

      I think Wes might be a little overboard about cruiser’s not turning though. When I bought my Bonnie I was so afraid that it would scrape in a corner that I was taking them soooo slow. I had my cousin follow me and he was like ummmm, you still have another 20-30 degrees of lean, go hard.

      • JVictor75

        +1

        All I have to say about “cruisers not turning” is that the entire staff seems to have forgotten their own editorial on the subject from summer last year:

        http://hellforleathermagazine.com/2011/07/everyone-loves-police-gymkhana/

        I’d like to see any one of the naysayers here try the same exact track on their respective motorcycle. And post video of the results.

        Don’t mistake the motorcycle’s ability to negotiate roadway with the retarded motorcyclists willingness to MAKE the motorcycle do so.

        Granted, your average “biker” wouldn’t be able to make a 25 MPH curve at or approaching 25 MPH if his life depended on it, nor would he be wearing gear beyond that of a 9 year old rollerblading for the first time.

        Don’t conflate all of that with the machine’s capabilities.

        Do I like the bike? No. (LOL, I’ve even forgotten what retarded model name Victory gave it!) But other people probably will. None of us are going to be able to change that opinion by force of ridicule. If anything that will just push people away faster. A little polite asked for honesty never hurt anybody.

  • FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

    so many comments…
    if they don’t break the 140s for another article this year, then THIS ARTICLE will have been the high point.

  • Kurt

    So, did you like the bike?

  • Core

    You actually look really cool sitting their on the bike…

    But…A lot of things look good at first, but then you find out their not practical. And that bike looks bulky and very unpractical.

  • Squid_Squidly

    I regularly make “too lazy to switch my smoked shield at night face,” is that equally offensive?

  • http://www.lloydvintage.com lloydvintage

    I may be late on this one, but staring at this very bike all day at work, I’ve had to ask… does Victory deserve a review every time they swap out a fender or handlebar? They’ve recycled the same tired chassis a thousand times with different accessories. Wake me up when they genuinely do something new/interesting, or whenever they decide to emulate a more interesting company than Harley.

  • bartsky

    ‘Cruiser Face’ is almost but not quite as funny as ‘Valentino Rossi Face’ which is a look effected by riders of sportsbikes everywhere; ……they look especially silly when i’m cutting their loud, expensive Icon branded leathers and Star Trek booties off them in the ER. Can’t say I see nearly as many ‘Cruiser Faces’ in my ER….probably a 20 to one ratio, course the Cruiser Faces usually live despite wearing pudding bowls while the silly ‘look at me, I’m a Moto GP star’ $900 Arai is full of brains (so i’m told) and other yuckiness.