Eight Signs You Are A Jaded Motorcycle Expert

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Motorcycle Expert

5. But Yes, I Will Take Your Girlfriend On Her First Motorcycle Ride
Wow, you’ve never been on a bike before? Of course I’ll take you. No, I understand why you’re too scared to ride with your boyfriend too. Don’t worry, you couldn’t be in safer hands. Of course I have a helmet in your size. No, really, it’s no bother at all! Here, just put your arms around my stomach and hold on tight… How fast have you been on the road before? Ok, we can do a bit better than that. See ya later, Sean.

6. This $20,000 Motorcycle Could Really Use Slightly Superior Suspension
You know, there’s really only a single tube in Ohlins shock on this exotic Italian motorcycle that there’s only a handful of in the entire country. And that’s just not nearly as good as the suspension on the other $20,000 exotic Italian motorcycle in my garage, so I’ll just leave the other one parked, gathering dust. I know you’d sell an organ just for the chance to spend an hour on one, but I’ll forget I even have it until the nice PR person emails to remind me they’re picking it up the next day.

Ducati 1199 Panigale R
The Ducati 1199 Panigale R would be a lot better if it had a more comfortable seat.

7. Yes Officer, It’s My Job
No, it wasn’t dangerous or reckless. Yes, I do know what I’m talking about. See this? It’s a business card saying I do this professionally. Right. Oh man, your old bike from the ’90s is super sweet. Seriously, I really miss getting to ride those. Oh yeah, I’ve totally been on the Nurburgring, it’s just as scary as they say. This thing? Yeah, this bike is fun, as you just saw. I know, I know, I should really try and make sure the bikes I ride have license plates and are road legal. Ok, I’ll try and be more careful from here on out. Thanks for not writing me a ticket!

8. These Are The Body Parts That Are Broken And This Is How You Should Fix Them
Oh hello. No, don’t worry, the line wasn’t too long. You see, I’ve had a motorcycle crash and broken my left Ulna, these two ribs here, fractured my coccyx and I’m afraid I’ve done something bad to my knee. Wish I hadn’t broken my arm or I’d just be handling this myself, but what I’m going to need done today is to have the old metal — yes, there’s old metal, here’s a picture of the x-ray on my phone — so you are going to need to take that out and I’m going to need a new plate. I’m hoping the new one can be a bit longer to cover here and here, see? But first, I’m going to need someone to clean my road rash and irrigate this hole in my knee. Hang on, let me stand back and lift my leg up so you can see it over the counter. Yeah, so I’m worried that a bunch of debris has gotten lodged in this hole, see how it goes in, then up a few inches? I want to get that cleaned out really well, then someone’s going to need to scrub this road rash and I should probably take some antibiotics.

2014 BMW F 800 GS Adventure
Riding the 2014 BMW F 800 GS Adventure in Moab was nice and all, but it lacks a little front end feel.

Yes, I sound like an ungrateful jerk, but sometimes I just want to do my job and be done for the day. You probably want me to get out a violin… You sound like me too? You might just be a jaded motorcycle expert too. Who have you ticked off lately? (My answer would be everyone.)

Related Links:
Do What I Say, Not What I do: 10 Things I’ve Learned From 10 Motorcycle Crashes
My Butt: Why Wearing Jeans On A Motorcycle Is A Really Bad Idea
If I Was to Give You Buying Advice: 2013 Honda CB500X Review

  • devillock

    Don’t tell me what I am, you’re not my dad.

  • Jeremy Alvarado

    no.5 ooooooo burn lol

    • http://www.twitter.com/seanmacdonald sean macdonald

      Hahahaha

  • Blu E Milew
  • Piglet2010

    Having a trailer full of rental leathers helps with #5.

  • kevin

    Entertaining read, but what’s the point of this article other than to say that Wes doesn’t like noobs, and is going to steal our girlfriends? lol

  • David Magallon

    Interesting day at the office?

    • http://www.RideApart.com/ Jen Degtjarewsky

      We are just having some fun.

  • Bruce Steever

    Anthem of the motorsports industry, here.

  • Gordon Pull

    Sooooo is that a “maybe” for that group ride of 40 on I-5 this weekend?

  • Rowtag

    “how to make a new rider cry” could have been another title for this article

  • http://www.RideApart.com/ Jen Degtjarewsky

    Wes – Am totally gonna bribe you with pizza next time we need a story late in the day… But only a slice. Can’t roll with a whole pie.

    • http://RideApart.com/ Wes Siler

      You should know by now that Sean and I only consume carbs in the form of cheap beer.

      • http://www.RideApart.com/ Jen Degtjarewsky

        Beer it is. But only after the words are on the page ;-) And save one for me too.

        • http://metabomber.com/ Jesse

          “And I don’t want to see the work F*CK written 8,000 times, again.”
          Hat tip to those that get the reference.

      • http://www.twitter.com/seanmacdonald sean macdonald

        hahaha, like i eat carbs….

        • http://www.RideApart.com/ Jen Degtjarewsky

          That’s right! There is a burrito with your name on it… Daily. At 12:30… ;-)

        • susannaschick

          so whatever happened to that girlfriend?

          • http://www.twitter.com/seanmacdonald sean macdonald

            sitting here next to me.

        • contender

          Man, I don’t miss L.A. sometimes.

        • Jeffery Boaz

          Vodka diet:)

  • John Krause

    I work CS for RevZilla. Change one or two of these to “do you sell gloves in pairs?” and “I don’t know what year my bike is, but what tires do I need?” and you’ve got us pegged. Someone owes us drinks.

  • sixgunsteve

    Great article, Wes! This is the unvarnished, non-sugar coated stuff that drew me to HFL in the first place.

    • Sjef

      Yes, the kind of articles where you think: ”jeez what a douche, but he is right” made HFL so entertaining.
      Also please RA do even more ”real” articles and not so many lists, I can go to buzzfeed for lists.

  • PJ

    yea…but don’t knock my tattoos

  • Nate Terrill

    I promise to feel really bad for you when I ride to my corporate soul sucking job tomorrow.

    • http://www.RideApart.com/ Jen Degtjarewsky

      :-)

  • Nick Gnaime

    #5 is literally how I met my girl haha

  • Lee Scuppers

    #9. Collection of glamor shots of yourself
    #10. …on your phone screensaver

  • Rowan

    Eat a Snickers, Wes…

  • dinoSnake

    Yeah , all that sounds just about exactly right. :D

    Sometimes I feel like I’m getting too old for this. LOL

  • markbvt

    Thank you for perfectly describing why I don’t make the thing I love most in the world my job. I don’t ever want to become jaded about it.

  • Jono

    “hey man, i put this sick pipe (filthy great echo chamber) on my sports bike (ninja 250) and its not any faster. Can you like tune it or something? I’ll shout you lunch.”

    *attempts to explain importance of back pressure*… “so you can tune it for me?”
    ugh.

    • darngooddesign

      At that point you tell them which pipe will actually make their bike go a little faster and have them call you only when they’ve purchased it.

      All these “will you help me do X” requests are easily answered with an estimated invoice.

  • Mr.Paynter

    Thank goodness I am just a guy who rides motorcycles and has too few friends who do the same.

    – Yes, I’ll help you get your bike home from the dealers’ at lunch, just because I get to ride something different.

    – Yes, I’ll teach you to ride on this old beater in my garage in the desoperate hope it may catch and I will have another friend with a motorcycle.

    – Yeah, I’ll walk out of the office right now to come pick you up from your first bike crash, help you load the totalled Daytona in the trailer, NOT tell you I told you it was too much for a first bike, run you home and show you how to scrub the grit and gravel out of your knees PROPERLY.

    – Yes, random colleague, I will accompany you bike shopping, even though you’re dead-set on sweet-gixxers and not going to heed my advice at all.

    – Yes I will stop and check on almost every motorcycle I see stopped on the side of the road, just in case I can help somehow.

    Etc.

    • E Brown

      I will never, ever go shopping with someone for a bike. They drag you along because you’ve got knowledge and experience, then yell “Wow – SHINY!” and buy the first thing they see.

      • Mr.Paynter

        So, so true.

        Perfect example – the totalled Daytona in my comments.

  • eddi

    OK, that was funny.

  • Garret C

    @wessiler:disqus – Is this a joke? Please say it is, I like the articles here (even if they often have a staid ‘list’ format).

    If not, then I must say I’m disappointed. While I understand what you mean, not that I would put myself in the Jaded Biking Journo category by any stretch of the imagination, this sounds like too many ‘know-it-all’ bikers out there who can’t wait to tell you the correct way to do it in no uncertain terms, a tone I haven’t felt from other articles posted or videos seen on/ via this site.

    :(

    Cheer up mate.
    G

  • Bram

    9. And everyones a friggin expert.

  • Alan F

    Eight signs that you are an arsehole.

  • Philipp Seifert

    I worked as a scuba instructor for 2 years and know how you feel. At the end of the day, no matter who is asking or what gear is waiting to be tried out, you just want to punch out and go home, right?

  • Kr Tong

    Pizzas still fine for oil changes. Not doing another valve inspection for less than a bucket of sake and sea urchins.

    • Piglet2010

      Better be a full wine rack for a valve adjustment on a Desmosedici RR (16 hours book labor).

  • Chris Cope

    @wessiler:disqus Remember the 4th episode of RideApart (is that ever coming back by the way?) when the Zero you were on started to run out of juice, so you pulled to the side and had a little freak-out moment in which you looked like you were going to cry? That. That is my response to this bit of complaining about having an awesome job. Go find that video, skip ahead to the eighth minute or so and watch yourself nearly come to tears on the side of a freeway. Humble yourself, amigo. You are not so damn special.

    You have a good gig and many of us enjoy what you do. What is the point of this article, saying “f**k you” to all of us who read?

  • grb

    Dont let it go to your head, its pretty lame to show off

  • Archie

    Prime example of what happens when you turn your hobby and passion into your source of income.

  • darngooddesign

    Sounds like person #1 would have more fun not riding with you.

  • SenorDuc

    Three signs you should consider before publishing: 1) Your lack of charisma on camera requires you to be a better journalist/expert (stay with the written word); 2) your inability to express any true passion (learn from Jamie Robinson or Chris Harris); 3) the people you snub are those that support your “hobby”. In summary, you’re not interesting enough to be arrogant.

  • Daniel

    Whirrr…klikk…whirrr…klikk…whirrr….klikk BANG splat…thud……………………………………………………………

  • JP

    Sounds like a tough life being such a badass. You have my sympathies.

  • John Tiedjens

    LOL…. back in the day Dirt Bike Magazine used to have a column called: “Ask Mr. Knowitall”. He answered MC repair questions but at the same time lambasted the questionnaire for their stupidity and arrogance for even asking him. I bought the magazine just for that…. HILARIOUS! Perhaps this could be a revamped way to write about bikes you test or people who ask you riding questions…..? This article had that sort of flavor.

  • http://www.motard.ca/ Guillaume Béliveau

    And that’s what happens when you aint got no more article ideas !

  • Jason Evariste Cormier

    Pizza? Y’all gone soft in Socal? Labour scale in my region is based on two-fours. One city-dwelling buddy paid me with two bottles of red wine. That was awkward.

    And of course the job is much more pleasant if you are getting progressively more blasted as the hours pile on. Gives the guy who commissioned you incentive to not make you do a 5 hour valve job again, because by the end of it you are too drunk to remember how to set the timing.

  • Jonny Langston

    I’m totally down w/ #1. It’s like people who can’t go to a movie alone – whaddya wanna do, chat about it?

  • carbon

    Somehow this article reminds me of the motorcycle magazine “The Horse.” In a good way. I think.

  • susannaschick

    no way. you’re able to talk your way out of tickets with a business card?!?! WTF??? Seriously? How many? What’s your success rate with that? What’s the story you’re writing when you’re just tooling along on the freeway at 20mph over?

  • Rhett_Rick

    +1 to this. I’ve dealt with John and his colleagues at Revzilla CS and they are a class-act, top-notch bunch of folks. Saints, all of you, and the time you’ve given me on the phone and via email has got to be worth way more than whatever they pay you.

    • John Krause

      Hey! Hey – stop it. I didn’t mean to turn this into a ZLA love-fest (though I dig the kind words – especially the ones about me getting paid more). But really, you guys make my job fun. Keep asking the right questions and I’ll love you forever.

  • runnermatt

    Laugh Out Loud!

  • Ken Condon

    I’ve certainly become much more selective about who I associate with these days. Now I know why, I’m jaded. http://www.ridinginthezone.com/5-tips-from-an-aging-sport-bike-rider/

  • psychobueller

    Really, two pages for a 8-item list? Need clicks much?

    • John

      It’s why I just read the first page and skip the rest. Not putting nickels into the machine.

  • John

    If you offer pizza, it’s a request. If you offer beer, it’s a duty.

  • HD19146

    #4 is freaking hilarious! I can’t tell you what people have tried to offer me in exchange for a few hours of my service.

  • http://www.mulemotorcycles.net/ Mule

    Sounds like you’re just about done with motorcycling. Why bother? You should be a salesman for the motorcycle industry council.

  • http://www.mises.org/ Core

    Nice. I’m unfortunately not in the ranks of “Jaded motorcyclist” yet. I hope to one day rise to this level. Not enough experience yet.

  • RyYYZ

    #1 Actually makes me feel kind of bad. Back in ’98 I was on my second bike in 2 years, having discovered the previous year that I really couldn’t live with the riding position of a 600 supersport. Anyway, back in the early days of internet forums, I saw a message from a guy looking for some like-minded people to ride out to the (Canadian) Superbike races with. Next day the weather wasn’t too good, and I ended up being the only one to meet up with that guy. He quickly turned into a good moto-friend, and introduced me to many interesting places, roads, people, etc. Unfortunately he passed away in ’03 from lung cancer.

    Anyway, I really haven’t given back by sharing much of my hard-earned knowledge and skills to newer riders. To be sure, my late friend was outgoing and had a large circle of moto-acquaintances to share with me, whereas I, as an introvert, don’t really.

  • Sam Bendall

    Some jobs are better than others, this would be one of the better ones. Who offers a pizza to fix a bike??? You offer cheap beer and bring an additional case just in case. If its a long job, bottle of whiskey.

  • ScientificAgnostic

    Is it that you are a “jaded motorcycle expert”, or just an opinionated
    asshole? :)

    basically breaking this whole article down to the core question…