Eight Signs You Are A Jaded Motorcycle Expert

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Categories: Lists, HFL

5. But Yes, I Will Take Your Girlfriend On Her First Motorcycle Ride
Wow, you've never been on a bike before? Of course I'll take you. No, I understand why you're too scared to ride with your boyfriend too. Don't worry, you couldn't be in safer hands. Of course I have a helmet in your size. No, really, it's no bother at all! Here, just put your arms around my stomach and hold on tight... How fast have you been on the road before? Ok, we can do a bit better than that. See ya later, Sean.

6. This $20,000 Motorcycle Could Really Use Slightly Superior Suspension
You know, there's really only a single tube in Ohlins shock on this exotic Italian motorcycle that there's only a handful of in the entire country. And that's just not nearly as good as the suspension on the other $20,000 exotic Italian motorcycle in my garage, so I'll just leave the other one parked, gathering dust. I know you'd sell an organ just for the chance to spend an hour on one, but I'll forget I even have it until the nice PR person emails to remind me they're picking it up the next day.

Ducati 1199 Panigale R
The Ducati 1199 Panigale R would be a lot better if it had a more comfortable seat.

7. Yes Officer, It's My Job
No, it wasn't dangerous or reckless. Yes, I do know what I'm talking about. See this? It's a business card saying I do this professionally. Right. Oh man, your old bike from the '90s is super sweet. Seriously, I really miss getting to ride those. Oh yeah, I've totally been on the Nurburgring, it's just as scary as they say. This thing? Yeah, this bike is fun, as you just saw. I know, I know, I should really try and make sure the bikes I ride have license plates and are road legal. Ok, I'll try and be more careful from here on out. Thanks for not writing me a ticket!

8. These Are The Body Parts That Are Broken And This Is How You Should Fix Them
Oh hello. No, don't worry, the line wasn't too long. You see, I've had a motorcycle crash and broken my left Ulna, these two ribs here, fractured my coccyx and I'm afraid I've done something bad to my knee. Wish I hadn't broken my arm or I'd just be handling this myself, but what I'm going to need done today is to have the old metal — yes, there's old metal, here's a picture of the x-ray on my phone — so you are going to need to take that out and I'm going to need a new plate. I'm hoping the new one can be a bit longer to cover here and here, see? But first, I'm going to need someone to clean my road rash and irrigate this hole in my knee. Hang on, let me stand back and lift my leg up so you can see it over the counter. Yeah, so I'm worried that a bunch of debris has gotten lodged in this hole, see how it goes in, then up a few inches? I want to get that cleaned out really well, then someone's going to need to scrub this road rash and I should probably take some antibiotics.

2014 BMW F 800 GS Adventure
Riding the 2014 BMW F 800 GS Adventure in Moab was nice and all, but it lacks a little front end feel.

Yes, I sound like an ungrateful jerk, but sometimes I just want to do my job and be done for the day. You probably want me to get out a violin... You sound like me too? You might just be a jaded motorcycle expert too. Who have you ticked off lately? (My answer would be everyone.)

Related Links:
Do What I Say, Not What I do: 10 Things I've Learned From 10 Motorcycle Crashes
My Butt: Why Wearing Jeans On A Motorcycle Is A Really Bad Idea
If I Was to Give You Buying Advice: 2013 Honda CB500X Review

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