Photo by path*doc
Chicks dig bikes. Bikers are cool. Seems like a match made in heaven, eh? Think again, Juliet - Romeo is surely not all he’s cracked up to be.
Beyond the hot bike, the cool clothes, and the devil-may-care attitude, your biker guy likely has a slew of things higher on his priority list than you. If you think you’ve met Mr. Right Biker, beware: here are a few things of which you might want to be wary.
1. We’re Probably Wearing Jeans
If you were hoping for a romantic, candlelit meal at a tres-fancee restaurant, forget it. While it’s feasible Chateau L’Xpensif has a dinner jacket loaner for your beau, there’s no way he’s getting into the dining room wearing Deth Killers. Instead, expect to end up getting to know each other better over a mess o’ribs at Steak N’ Steer.
2. We’re Taking Your Car
Unless you’re willing to have a major hair-do altering experience, you should expect to drive. Check that: You should expect to hand over the keys to your car. No self-respecting motorcyclist would be caught dead riding shotgun, and any biker worth his salt isn’t going to show up in a car anyhow. However, if you’re willing to ride pillion, read on.
Photo by Chris Hall
3. We’re Never Around
Ah, a beautiful Saturday morning. How about a stroll in the park, or brunch at that hip new cafe? Sure, if your friends are around. Look, unless there's a blizzard going on, motorcyclists are going to spend their free time riding motorcycles. And even if there is a blizzard, chances are your biker buddy is in the garage, cursing over a pile of bolts and cotter pins and wondering: how in God’s name are there are parts left over?
Photo by Jake Sutton
4. If We Are Around, We’re Late
In the market for a gentleman? Someone looking to impress you with punctuality, chivalry, and savoir-faire? Try eHarmony.com. A motorcyclist will show up late, with grease under his nails, full of apologies and clutching a bouquet of pre-wrapped, doghouse roses that he picked up at the market on the way over. Here’s a handy tip: Don’t make reservations.
Photo by The Baza
5. We Don’t Have (Much) Money
Oh sure, there’s enough in the kitty for a burger and a beer, or maybe even to catch a flick. Hell, we might even be able to make rent this month, baby! But bills? Who’s got money for stinking bills? Let me be perfectly clear: Any hot single guy under 40 with a beautiful bike is likely to be as destitute as they come. The only riders willing and able to be sugar daddies are your father’s golfing buddies.
Photo by Mark Thomas
6. Don’t Expect to Talk About Anything But Bikes
“Honey, I’m sure you had a rough day at the office. But lemme tell you about the move this Jackwagon on the 405 tried to pull on my way over here!” If you were hoping to discuss Hunger Games or gossip about Kim and Kanye, consider yourself out of luck. Listen, bikers are a sympathetic bunch - as long as your plight involves motorcycles or motorcycling. Otherwise, we’re likely to be nodding and sighing and not paying much attention at all.
7. Not All Scars Are Sexy
Ever seen a butt-scar? ‘Nuff said.
Photo by Romany WG
8. Anal Suppository Laxatives
Required after heavy painkillers, and impossible to insert yourself if arms (or shoulders, or ribs, or collarbones, or … ) are broken. This item, submitted by our hipster-in-chief, actually never occurred to me. I mean, stuff like this is why I got married.
Photo by Steven Higgins
Okay, the science behind biker boogers is far too intricate for an article such as this (a website such as RideApart). So don’t expect any insight here. I’m simply stating what anyone who rides knows, and that is this: motorcycling builds boogers. It creates them, it molds them, and it manufactures them to excess, until they need to be excavated. If you can’t deal, date a banker.
Photo by Brittanie Shey
10. We All Think We’re Cool. Only Some Of Us Are
Just because your beau has a motorcycle does not mean he’s a catch. Ever been to Sturgis?!? Seriously, your vetting process should involve far more than your potential suitor’s mode of transpo. If you can’t deal with all the above caveats, then perhaps you should consider looking for Mr. Right at the mall. If you can, please call Wes Siler at: (213) 555-9999.
Tell us, why your bike does or does not make you dateable.